People who refuse prize money

I am such a non-gambler that I can't comprehend the mentality of a gambler at all.  I got ten $1 scratchie tickets for my birthday.  I read the details of how to win but there were no instructions.  Each card had a noughts and crosses grid and you could win by getting three of the same number in a row, column or diagonal.  I assumed you had to choose which row, column or diagonal to reveal but the girl at the newsagent said you scratch the card until you can see everything including the barcode then you use the machine to check if you've won.

Doesn't that take away the mystery of wondering if a different choice would have revealed three of a kind?  It means you don't have to be careful not to scratch too many panels and you don't have to figure out if you've won because a machine can do it for you. In fact, you could probably get away with ONLY scratching the barcode.

I couldn't see any matches on 7 of the tickets and the machine confirmed I was 'NOT A WINNER' seven times.  Luckily, I didn't take it personally.  It does sound better than 'LOSER' but it doesn't fill me with optimism to be told I'm not a winner. 

1 of the remaining 3 tickets earned me a free $1 ticket.  I'd just scratched my way through 10 tickets so it wasn't a great prize.  My fingers were a bit sore from gripping the coin and my arms were hurting because they are weak and pathetic and can hardly even hold a hair brush to brush my hair.  I'm convinced that this ridiculous muscle weakness has something to do with my fatigue but what would I know?

1 of the remaining 2 tickets could be exchanged for $2 and the final ticket was a winner of...$2.  The newsagent girl confirmed this by saying "four dollars".  I have to admit that I was slightly excited because I'm terrible at maths yet I managed to do this equation without a calculator.  I looked at the girl, she looked at me, I looked at her.

Ooh, I haven't gone off on enough tangents lately but that reminds me of a song I like.  It is a great one for hiking or while sitting around a campfire. 

The Bear with Groovy Shoes

Note: Each verse is sung by the leader (then echoed by the group) then the whole verse is repeated by everyone.

The other day (the other day)
I met a bear (I met a bear)
With groovy shoes (with groovy shoes)
A smashing pair (a smashing pair)

The other day I met a bear
With groovy shoes: A smashing pair

 [This isn't part of the song but I just realised how much easier it is to stir a small amount of boiling water with coffee and sugar then add the rest of the boiling water and some milk.  Why have I been waiting until the cup is full to the brim before I try to stir it?  I will probably forget this discovery and write about it next time I discover.]

I looked at him (I looked at him)
He looked at me (He looked at me)
I smiled at him (I smiled at him)
He smiled at me (He smiled at me)

I looked at him, he looked at me.
I smiled at him, he smiled at me.

He said to me (he said to me)
"Why don't you run? ("Why don't you run?)
I see you have (I see you have)
Not got a gun." (not got a gun.")

He said to me "Why don't you run?
I see you have not got a gun."

And so I ran (and so I ran)
Right out of there (right out of there)
But right behind (but right behind)
Me was that bear (me was that bear)

And so I ran right out of there
But right behind me was that bear.

In front of me (in front of me)
There was a tree (there was a tree)
A great big tree (a great big tree)
In front of me (in front of me)

In front of me there was a tree:
A great big tree in front of me.

And so I jumped (and so I jumped)
Into the air (into the air)
But I missed that branch (but I missed that branch)
Away up there (away up there)

And so I jumped into the air
But I missed that branch away up there.

Now don't you fret (now don't you fret)
Now don't you frown (now don't you frown)
'Cos I caught that branch ('cos I caught that branch)
On the way back down (on the way back down)

Now don't you fret, now don't you frown
'Cos I caught that branch on the way back down.

So now I sit (so now I sit)
Up the great big tree (up the great big tree)
And the great big bear (and the great big bear)
Looks up at me (looks up at me)

So now I sit up the great big tree
And the great big bear looks up at me.

The moral of (the moral of)
This story is (this story is)
Don't talk to bears | with | groo-oo-vy shoes.


Continued from above...
   
The girl repeated "four dollars" and I felt like she was asking me to pay HER instead of the other way round.  More blank staring ensued.  She then asked "Do you want the money?".  What do you mean 'Do I want the money?'  It's MY money!  I just won the money as a prize.  I'm not giving it to YOU.  Why WOULDN'T I want the money?  Do people hand over winning tickets then choose NOT to accept their prize?  What sort of person, having won money, REFUSES the money?  A gambler, that's who.

It was like I was the only person to ever contemplate NOT buying scratchie tickets with my prize money.  The girl looked defeated while handing over my money; as if she wasn't going to get paid that week because she had failed to adequately promote gambling.

If you've been following closely, or if you scroll up and re-read because some idiot went off on tangents from tangents, then you will know that I still had 1 scratchie ticket left.  Did I win $20,000?  Tune in after the break to find out.

It was a short break.  No, I did not win $20,000 but I did win.....another free $1 ticket!!!  Ooh, the ecstasy.

I am in no way ungrateful for the birthday presents bestowed on me by my dear, wonderful friend but by now I was sick of scratchie tickets and wanted to go home.  My friend actually gave me heaps of amazing birthday presents, the scratchies being the ONLY thing I didn't adore.  I was overjoyed with the other gifts and even cried a bit because they were so beautiful.  I wanted to give her a huge hug to thank her for her thoughtfulness but she was elbow deep in about 50 kilos of mince meat and was having way too much fun pounding it with her fists.  Oh, the jokes we made.

So, what did I gain from my second free $1 ticket?  I was lucky enough to win ANOTHER free $1 ticket.  Was this a trick to see if I would be SO OBSESSIVE that I kept playing until I'd scratched ALL the tickets?  I didn't have to scratch any of them but I did.  I got wise to the little test though, so I threw the last scratchie in the bin, because I don't need to complete everything.  No, I'm just kidding.  I'm coming up with this rubbish as I write.  I won $6 on the last scratchie.

The other girl working in the newsagent served me this time.  "Six dollars.  Do you want the money or the scratchie tickets?"  GIVE ME THE MONEY! 

I assume that my friend spent $10 on the ten $1 scratchie tickets.  Thirteen scratchie tickets and a lot of icky scratched off scratchie residue later and I had "won" $10.  That's probably seen as a good result.  Hmmm.  I am still convinced that I am "winning" more by not gambling.  I tried to argue that once and apparently it's not winning if you don't enter the competetion.  I think it's not winning if your expenditure equals or exceeds your income or if you pay money and receive no goods or services in return.

It was a lovely thought to give me a chance at becoming rich but I think I'd have to say that I'm anti-gambling. 

What makes it awkward?

The Missing Claws: A Modern Story

When the bear has no claws.  Being a bear.  When no claws are sharp.  When the bear hugs.  That day when the girl with pigtails turns into a pig to disguise herself from the bear.  When liking the pig.  That sudden impulse where the bear kills the pig even though the bear has no claws.  That year when it is the year of the pig.  When the bear has no claws.   

This is the manner in which people are writing and talking these days.  I don't understand it.  I can't tell what people are trying to convey.  If they write "That awkward moment when you trip over.", what do they mean?  Tell me about that awkward moment.  What about it?  Why is it awkward?  Do you like it?  Do you hate it?  Have you forgotten the rest of the sentence?  

Here are some options:

"That awkward moment when you trip over is funny but when you dance I want to hide."

"Do you remember that awkward moment when you trip over at the start of the video?"

"I've always wondered why you insist on eating cake during that awkward moment when you trip over."

They tricked me into judging

This "article" from the "news"paper was so bad that I forgot to include it with the worst articles of the week.  It still makes me shudder.

There I was, minding my own business, when I suddenly got slapped in the face with:

The question appeared beneath a photo of an actual human being.

I was being asked to contemplate whether or not I thought a stranger, a woman I knew nothing about, might, in my opinion, be fat.  How is that any of my business?  What right do I have to go around deciding such things?  Do people really do that?  What would it matter if I thought she was fat?  What would it matter if anyone thought she was fat?  Is it bad to be fat?  How much body fat makes a body "fat"?  Do I think she's fat?  Oh no, I just asked myself if she's fat.  They got to me with their shock tactics.  I really don't feel qualified to judge her fatness or lack thereof.

No, wait, they weren't directly asking readers for their opinion.  It was just a headline, like 'Do bears like honey?' then you turn to the page about bears and there's a story about how they do or don't like honey.  I feel so much better about the world.  It's just them imposing their views about the poor woman's body, they're not actually imploring people to evaluate and judge her.

Fair enough, I'll see what they have to say when I get to the Body and Soul liftout.

Really?!  The cover of the Body and Soul liftout was this question next to a photo of the woman.  They really are asking me if I think the woman in the photo is fat.  Are they allowed to do that?  Surely not.  Am I supposed to be classifying people this way?

The article included another full page photo of the woman, whose name is Melanie, which is good to know after you've just evaluated the size of her body.  The article basically said that some expert labels Melanie as slightly overweight.  There was even a section on the dangers of being overweight and what you should do if you thought you were overweight as if having a Body Mass Index of a certain number means you should whip yourself into (a smaller) shape, you big fatty, even if you're still perfectly fit and healthy.

As if that wasn't enough, they had to go and ask people "Do you think this woman is fat?"  Surely that's not allowed.  Surely there are rules against that.  People actually responded.  They responded as if they had a right to respond.

They were shown a photo of Melanie and told that her body represents the body of the average Australian woman.  I can only assume they didn't see Melanie in real life because at least one of them would have had at least one black eye from Melanie punching her after hearing the appalling comment she made.  I can only comfort myself in thinking that Gemma, 19, was being sarcastic.  If she was for real, I...I...I just don't know.

So, Gemma, do you think this woman is fat?

Does she mean South Australia: The Festival State?  Well, being in the same state as Melanie, I have just enjoyed some shows at the Cabaret Festival.  I felt quite comfortable in the audience, I was very much at ease laughing and applauding...oh, wait, she doesn't mean SA.  What state is she on about?

How disgustingly, horribly, morbidly gigantic is the woman she was referring to?

She must have really let herself go.

Does she even fit on one page of the newspaper?

Melanie

Maybe Gemma was trolling.  Please don't be serious.  Meanwhile, now I've gone and judged Melanie's body as not fat.  I didn't want to judge.  It was a trap.  They made me judge.  This is one of the reasons I don't read the newspaper.

UPDATE: I can't believe I forgot about this bit...

YAY!  Let's all judge her body together!!!