Feelings?

Today I felt like singing and last Friday I felt like dancing but I've been holding back because I wouldn't want to be seen as "manic". 

I stopped myself from dancing at the Peace Markets on Saturday because it seemed too fun and carefree and I wouldn't want to lose control and enjoy myself.

One day during the week I was on an O-bahn bus marvelling at how beautiful it is that I get to zoom through beautiful green parklands with trees and grass and ducks and a river.  I tried to stop appreciating it because I felt like I shouldn't feel so happy and alive and aware of my surroundings. 

Last night my friend and I were hysterical with laughter to the point that our stomachs hurt.  I thought I should try to control it because I'm not meant to be that happy.  I wouldn't want to be "unwell".

My medication is meant to stop that sort of bad behaviour.

This week I learned that anti-depressants work by clouding up ANY feeling.  I always assumed they did the opposite of depressing but really they just mask the sad thoughts and at the same time decrease your emotional involvement with the world.  Anti-depressants dull the senses; they don't increase the good feelings.  This is all very good to know after taking the stuff daily for several years.

Mmm... anti-depressants and mood stabilisers.

Having halved my dosage down to the usual high amount of anti-depressant (not overnight, throughout a month) I can actually feel feelings.

I'm only taking the mood stabilising medication once a day now too.  Maybe I'm a bit more irritable but I also have the capacity to feel happy.

I don't know if I'm much less sleepy because I've still been sleeping whole days and falling asleep on buses but I think I'm more alert during the day and I can actually entertain the idea of singing and dancing and thinking.

Couldn't sleep. Drew a picture.

I had this image in my head so I tried drawing it with shapes.

Evolution

• I am me. I am blissfully unaware of any problems. 
• I am me and I don't like myself. YAY! I am given labels to explain why I don't like myself.
• I AM depression and anxiety. I hate myself.
• I have depression and anxiety in me.  I hate them and I am fighting within myself.
• I have depression and anxiety attached to me.  I hate them and I am fighting them and accidentally punching myself in the face, as shown in the picture on the left.
• I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I am a victim and I am fighting the depression and anxiety.
• I have depression and anxiety.  I am fighting the depression and anxiety.
• I accept that I have depression and anxiety.  I am acknowledging the depression and anxiety.
• I am me.  I am reducing the influence of problems in my life and discovering preferred stories of identity. They are shown as boxes waiting to be described and unpacked in the picture on the right.

Welcome, by all means, welcome!

Continuing in my efforts to post everything I ever would have posted on a blog if I had one at the time, here are some photos of a book that I made in 2008.  I don't agree with the labels of Depression and Bipolar but I haven't entirely figured out my stance on the issue.  One day I'll get my head around it enough to start blogging about it.  I still agree with the bit about Hamish and Andy helping me to feel less lonely.  They really did help me feel a sense of belonging.

Front Cover

Page 1

Page 2

Page 3 - Door Closed

Page 3 - Door Open

Page 4 - Blanket Down

Page 4 - Blanket Lifted

Page 5

Page 6

My friend and I went to see Hamish and Andy at their CD signing for Unessential Listening.  There were so many people that we would have spent the whole day waiting in a line.  Hundreds of people did just that and before they got to the front of the line, Hamish and Andy had to leave.  My friend and I opted to sit at an outside table of the nearby restaurant pretending to have lunch all day.  It's not stalking if you buy pizza.

Best seats in the house