Mastery!...Let the spectacle astound you!

When I do something amazing I think of this song and replace 'Masquerade' with 'Mastery'.  All the other lyrics are replaced by the inspirational words 'la la la la la la la'. 

MASTERY = MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT

Excitement & Pride

Ignore the last few seconds of the clip.  Replace them with this image of me filled with excitement and pride.  I took this photo in 2006 immediately after being accepted into a Bachelor of Speech Pathology at Flinders Uni.  It almost emulates the exhilaration I felt as a result of today's massive achievement.  That's right - I emptied and re-stacked the dishwasher!!!  You'd think that having a dishwasher would mean I'd have no trouble washing dishes, right?  Well, the last two times the dishwasher needed emptying I left it until almost all the other dishes had been used then The Dishwasher Fairy emptied it for me.  Both occassions suspiciously coincided with my Dad staying at my house.  I wonder if he saw The Dishwasher Fairy.


This time, not only did I empty the dishwasher but I re-stacked it AND made 2 minute noodles AT THE SAME TIME!  I guess that's what happens when I wake up from a 14 hour nap with no idea what day it is.

Next time I empty the dishwasher I'm going to try to get it done BEFORE the dirty dishes start collecting on the sink.  Ambitious, I know.  There were only 10 today which is pretty good.  Let's make it ZERO dishes waiting to be washed when I empty the dishwasher next time. 

The record to beat:

People who refuse prize money

I am such a non-gambler that I can't comprehend the mentality of a gambler at all.  I got ten $1 scratchie tickets for my birthday.  I read the details of how to win but there were no instructions.  Each card had a noughts and crosses grid and you could win by getting three of the same number in a row, column or diagonal.  I assumed you had to choose which row, column or diagonal to reveal but the girl at the newsagent said you scratch the card until you can see everything including the barcode then you use the machine to check if you've won.

Doesn't that take away the mystery of wondering if a different choice would have revealed three of a kind?  It means you don't have to be careful not to scratch too many panels and you don't have to figure out if you've won because a machine can do it for you. In fact, you could probably get away with ONLY scratching the barcode.

I couldn't see any matches on 7 of the tickets and the machine confirmed I was 'NOT A WINNER' seven times.  Luckily, I didn't take it personally.  It does sound better than 'LOSER' but it doesn't fill me with optimism to be told I'm not a winner. 

1 of the remaining 3 tickets earned me a free $1 ticket.  I'd just scratched my way through 10 tickets so it wasn't a great prize.  My fingers were a bit sore from gripping the coin and my arms were hurting because they are weak and pathetic and can hardly even hold a hair brush to brush my hair.  I'm convinced that this ridiculous muscle weakness has something to do with my fatigue but what would I know?

1 of the remaining 2 tickets could be exchanged for $2 and the final ticket was a winner of...$2.  The newsagent girl confirmed this by saying "four dollars".  I have to admit that I was slightly excited because I'm terrible at maths yet I managed to do this equation without a calculator.  I looked at the girl, she looked at me, I looked at her.

Ooh, I haven't gone off on enough tangents lately but that reminds me of a song I like.  It is a great one for hiking or while sitting around a campfire. 

The Bear with Groovy Shoes

Note: Each verse is sung by the leader (then echoed by the group) then the whole verse is repeated by everyone.

The other day (the other day)
I met a bear (I met a bear)
With groovy shoes (with groovy shoes)
A smashing pair (a smashing pair)

The other day I met a bear
With groovy shoes: A smashing pair

 [This isn't part of the song but I just realised how much easier it is to stir a small amount of boiling water with coffee and sugar then add the rest of the boiling water and some milk.  Why have I been waiting until the cup is full to the brim before I try to stir it?  I will probably forget this discovery and write about it next time I discover.]

I looked at him (I looked at him)
He looked at me (He looked at me)
I smiled at him (I smiled at him)
He smiled at me (He smiled at me)

I looked at him, he looked at me.
I smiled at him, he smiled at me.

He said to me (he said to me)
"Why don't you run? ("Why don't you run?)
I see you have (I see you have)
Not got a gun." (not got a gun.")

He said to me "Why don't you run?
I see you have not got a gun."

And so I ran (and so I ran)
Right out of there (right out of there)
But right behind (but right behind)
Me was that bear (me was that bear)

And so I ran right out of there
But right behind me was that bear.

In front of me (in front of me)
There was a tree (there was a tree)
A great big tree (a great big tree)
In front of me (in front of me)

In front of me there was a tree:
A great big tree in front of me.

And so I jumped (and so I jumped)
Into the air (into the air)
But I missed that branch (but I missed that branch)
Away up there (away up there)

And so I jumped into the air
But I missed that branch away up there.

Now don't you fret (now don't you fret)
Now don't you frown (now don't you frown)
'Cos I caught that branch ('cos I caught that branch)
On the way back down (on the way back down)

Now don't you fret, now don't you frown
'Cos I caught that branch on the way back down.

So now I sit (so now I sit)
Up the great big tree (up the great big tree)
And the great big bear (and the great big bear)
Looks up at me (looks up at me)

So now I sit up the great big tree
And the great big bear looks up at me.

The moral of (the moral of)
This story is (this story is)
Don't talk to bears | with | groo-oo-vy shoes.


Continued from above...
   
The girl repeated "four dollars" and I felt like she was asking me to pay HER instead of the other way round.  More blank staring ensued.  She then asked "Do you want the money?".  What do you mean 'Do I want the money?'  It's MY money!  I just won the money as a prize.  I'm not giving it to YOU.  Why WOULDN'T I want the money?  Do people hand over winning tickets then choose NOT to accept their prize?  What sort of person, having won money, REFUSES the money?  A gambler, that's who.

It was like I was the only person to ever contemplate NOT buying scratchie tickets with my prize money.  The girl looked defeated while handing over my money; as if she wasn't going to get paid that week because she had failed to adequately promote gambling.

If you've been following closely, or if you scroll up and re-read because some idiot went off on tangents from tangents, then you will know that I still had 1 scratchie ticket left.  Did I win $20,000?  Tune in after the break to find out.

It was a short break.  No, I did not win $20,000 but I did win.....another free $1 ticket!!!  Ooh, the ecstasy.

I am in no way ungrateful for the birthday presents bestowed on me by my dear, wonderful friend but by now I was sick of scratchie tickets and wanted to go home.  My friend actually gave me heaps of amazing birthday presents, the scratchies being the ONLY thing I didn't adore.  I was overjoyed with the other gifts and even cried a bit because they were so beautiful.  I wanted to give her a huge hug to thank her for her thoughtfulness but she was elbow deep in about 50 kilos of mince meat and was having way too much fun pounding it with her fists.  Oh, the jokes we made.

So, what did I gain from my second free $1 ticket?  I was lucky enough to win ANOTHER free $1 ticket.  Was this a trick to see if I would be SO OBSESSIVE that I kept playing until I'd scratched ALL the tickets?  I didn't have to scratch any of them but I did.  I got wise to the little test though, so I threw the last scratchie in the bin, because I don't need to complete everything.  No, I'm just kidding.  I'm coming up with this rubbish as I write.  I won $6 on the last scratchie.

The other girl working in the newsagent served me this time.  "Six dollars.  Do you want the money or the scratchie tickets?"  GIVE ME THE MONEY! 

I assume that my friend spent $10 on the ten $1 scratchie tickets.  Thirteen scratchie tickets and a lot of icky scratched off scratchie residue later and I had "won" $10.  That's probably seen as a good result.  Hmmm.  I am still convinced that I am "winning" more by not gambling.  I tried to argue that once and apparently it's not winning if you don't enter the competetion.  I think it's not winning if your expenditure equals or exceeds your income or if you pay money and receive no goods or services in return.

It was a lovely thought to give me a chance at becoming rich but I think I'd have to say that I'm anti-gambling. 

Blarpio is not responsible

Grief

Wellness in the Workplace
June 14
Grief

left hand side - Grief as it is now.
right hand side - Grief as I want it to be.

The picture on the left is me holding onto the strings of some big messy intermingled balloon clouds.  Each cloud is grief but I don't know what it is.  The grey patch below the clouds is covering up some of the things I figured out I might be grieving over.  I came up with the list during the workshop as people mentioned things that might cause grief such as not having a job.  I had only considered death to be a cause of grief so I was able to figure out other things that might have affected me.

I think a lot of events, thoughts and beliefs have been attributed to having a mental illness.  I have only recently realised that calling everything "Plorabi" or "Liporba" or "Roibalp" or "Blarpio" or "Bipolar" doesn't help me process it any better.  In the picture where I'm holding onto the strings, I used to think it was like I had a deformed hand that grips tightly to strings whereas now I think it's like there's nothing wrong with my hand and I'd like to look at what's going on in the clouds so I can stop carrying them round with me.

The picture on the right is me having let go of the grief but knowing it is still there.  I am grounded and the grief is well defined and separated and the tangled mess of each one is concentrated into a smaller space.  When we discussed my picture as a group we realised that I want my grief arranged in the same configuration as the southern cross.  I don't ask for much.

Recovery Rant

When I first saw this poster, I thought I had found the answer.  I wasn't entirely sure what the question was but I figured this had to be the answer.

Of course!  Recovery isn't about creating something out of the scraps that remain.  Recovery is about developing meaning and purpose despite being scrappy.  If I just build on those lists of factors, I will become a new and improved person.

I thought it was great at the time (October 2011) but I think it's absolute rubbish now.

It's much more complicated to give a concise account of what I think now.

I guess it's somewhat defined by what I don't think:

• I don't think I have been destroyed by an illness or that an illness has had catasrophic effects on me.  

• I don't think that focussing on limits is a good way to progress.  

• I don't think professional assistance is any better than the help of friends and family.  

• I don't think medication is really that important considering I'm not actually a broken, defective person suffering from an illness.

• I don't think I need to recover from or to anything.  

I need to interpret events differently and they'll have a different effect on my life.  The way I see myself is not conducive to me living the life I want and deserve. That doesn't mean I am ill.  It means I need to work on how I see myself and how I can live to fulfil what I believe is important.  I know that the methods used in Narrative Therapy can help me to do that.  I've already seen them in action.

How would I build an internal factor of hope in order to be a better person because the person I am now is merely a shell after the insides were hollowed out by the catastrophic effects of a mental illness?  "Right, today I shall work on my hope." *crosses fingers, squints eyes and thinks really hard about hope*

I might leave it at that for the first time I've actually put my thoughts into words on this topic.

Simple "meals" that are better than starving.

"Baked Beans are not a meal.  
Toast is not a meal.  
Baked beans AND toast?  
That's a meal."

This advice from a friend has really helped lessen the guilt I feel about not having cooking skills.  I just imagine I'm like a twenty-something bachelor living alone instead of a hm..hang on, I kind of fit in that category but I'm female instead of male. 

Some "meals" I can make without falling asleep or losing strength in my limbs and/or neck...

 Baked Beans and Toast
The good thing is that it doesn't really matter in which order I do things.

• Put beans in bowl
• Put bread in toaster
• Microwave beans for 1-2 minutes
• Toast bread until it pops up
• Combine beans and toast (and cheese if available)

Baked beans and toast?  

That's a meal.

EasyMac Macaroni Cheese
Reading the directions overwhelms me but luckily I can count to 4.  I just have to remember what the numbers relate to.  The whole time I'm making it I keep counting through from 1 to 4 and I normally check the packet to make sure I have the numbers assigned to the right steps.  I'm writing this not to highlight how demented I am at cooking but because maybe it will help me figure out why I find it so difficult.

• 1 put macaroni in bowl
• 2/3 of a cup of cold water in bowl
• 4 minutes in the microwave
• put cheese in bowl (I can do that bit without a number because without it I would have Macaroni Water instead of Macaroni Cheese)

Macaroni and Cheese?  
That's a meal.

2 Minute Noodles
Again, the directions seem backwards and they confuse me so I find it easier to think about what I need to do - cover noodles in water and heat.

• Unlike the EasyMac, this one requires boiling water so I put the kettle on first. Most of the time. Sometimes I forget and have to do it after I've opened the noodle packet.
• Put noodles in bowl.
• Cover noodles in water (this avoids the hassle of having to measure a particular amount)
• Put noodles in microwave (sometimes I forget how long to put them in for until I remember they're called 2 minute noodles and I praise myself for being such a genius)
• Tip noodles into a strainer then back into the bowl.
• Add Hoisin Sauce.

Noodles and Hoisin Sauce?  
That's a meal.

Toastie
I found out recently that spreading butter on frozen bread works better than spreading butter on fresh bread so I don't even need to have fresh bread or defrost frozen bread.  UPDATE: My friend read this and excitedly said "Yeah, I discovered that too." I had to tell her that she was the one who told me.

• Switch sandwich press on to heat up
• Butter pieces of bread
• Slice pieces of tomato
• Put bread in sandwich press - butter side down
• Add tomato and cheese
• Top with bread - butter side up
• Toast in sandwich press

Toastie with Cheese and Tomato?

That's a meal.

The next one is a bit of a stretch but at least it's green.

Mixed Lettuce
I had used the last of a tomato to make a toastie and at some point I chomped through the remainder of a cucumber so the only fresh food I had was a bag of lettuce.  Fancy lettuce though.  I also had half a lemon.  I'm still convinced that the other half was used to make a salad dressing.  I should really ask my friend how she did that but I had a go because I was feeling adventurous.

• Cut the crusty edge off the lemon.
• Squeeze the lemon juice into the bag of lettuce leaves.
• Add some pepper.  For the record, I added too much pepper.

Mixed Lettuce and Salad Dressing?

That's a meal.

 

I may have taken the "a AND b equals a meal" theory a little too far with the lettuce but it's certainly a better choice than not eating.

That's a summary of where I'm at.  When I say "I can't cook" or "I don't know how to cook" or "I'm too tired to cook" I actually mean "If I'm not too fatigued I can combine a couple of simple things and follow a couple of simple steps".

I mixed stuff! In a bowl!

I was feeling hungry so I made some mini damper-short-naan-scone-biscuits.  My favourite.  No, I figured I would throw some stuff in a bowl and see what happened.  I watched a pencil and a piece of chewing gum for 45 minutes and they didn't move so instead I mixed together flour, eggs, butter and milk.

It astounds me that I thought to combine ingredients to create something.  It must be the first time I have ever spontaneously thought I could make something edible using things that alone are fairly inedible.

FLOUR...EGGS...BUTTER...MILK

By your powers combined...

I am mini damper-short-naan-scone-biscuits.

Sequin, Sing! (is way better than sequencing)

I managed to translate a recipe tonight.

It wasn't in another language and it wasn't really a recipe but I managed to follow the directions on a packet of pasta.  I added the stuff and mixed the stuff and heated the stuff and it was edible!  Tonight I accomplished what other people do easily some time before they start going to school.  I think I'm pretty awesome for nailing it before I turn 30.  I've only got 10 days to go so it was a close one.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've mastered it previously but it's still an achievement because I bought the packet months ago and I've finally used it.

Surely I've made a single snack pasta pack thingo before.  Then again, I remember going on a hike with scouts when I was about 12 and I was trying to read the instructions I'd written onto a cup-a-soup sachet in the dark.  I mean, I wrote the instructions with the light on.  I wasn't challenging myself to read something I scrawled onto the sachet in a blackout.  I couldn't see the writing and one of the scouts taunted me a bit saying "It's gonna be the same making it on a hike as it is making it at home."  That would have been useful advice if I'd ever made anything at home but I took it as an insult because I didn't know how to make it at home OR on a hike.

I think my problem is the order of doing things.

If you heated up a saucepan and tipped powdered soup into it, I think it would burn.
If you poured cold water onto powdered soup or powdered soup into cold water, it would go lumpy.

There is a set way that it has to be done and I assume that is to heat up the water while putting powdered soup in a cup then pour the heated water into the cup and mix the powdered soup through the water.

I'm pretty sure the bit I have trouble with is doing one thing WHILE doing another thing.  However, just reading all those steps makes me feel overwhelmed so perhaps the problem lies with having to do more than one thing.

I've been trying to figure out how I deciphered the directions tonight when normally I would get freaked out by all the numbers.  I think it comes from being able to block out the irrelevant information and from managing to re-order the sequence of steps in my head without confusing myself.

I always find that recipes tell you to do stuff backwards.

Let's say step 1 is to add the diced potatoes to the boiling water.
Where did the boiling water come from?

Surely you should have told me to FIRST boil water, THEN cut potatoes, THEN add potatoes to water or FIRST cut potatoes, THEN boil water, THEN add potatoes to water.

You have to tell me these things!  
I don't know which way is right!
Am I the only person in the world who has trouble with this?

I had a similar issue in maths when the textbooks stopped listing all the steps and I had to guess how they got from one step to the next.  At least with equations I wouldn't have turned a fried egg into a charcoal pancake because suddenly I had to add a mix of marinated mushrooms and artichokes.

Here is what I was working with tonight:

I have made a flow chart of the steps I go through before I can follow the directions.  I have only been in a situation where I could progress past the very first step in the last few days because my friend went to the supermarket for me.  Also, before I can even qualify to think about the first step I have to be awake and have energy.

Prerequisites: BE AWAKE & HAVE ENERGY
Materials Needed:

The Directions on the Packet

This is my revised order of directions according to how I think I re-wrote it in my head:

It makes me feel quite retarded that I have to put in so much effort to re-write simple directions on a packet of pasta but it's good to know what's confusing me.

Shopping, Cooking, Eating and More Cooking...on Speed

In my attempt to be a responsible adult and learn to feed myself I said my friend could come over and help me buy food and make a meal.  This was pretty huge; the first time I've allowed someone into my house who isn't family or someone picking me up to take me somewhere else.  I have some sort of supermarket phobia so I've only bought food about four times this year.  That's less than once a month and one of those times I only bought cordial and choc chip cookies.

I woke up late but still wanted to have a shower.  I answered the door in a towel.  My friend had brought a friend.  Meeting someone while dripping water on the floor would have been embarrassing if I didn't have previous experience of waking up late and answering the door in a towel.  That in itself is pretty embarrassing.  I had to leave my guests to forage for tea and coffee while I got dressed.

Next, there was a flurry of activity.  A crazy whirlwind.  Within a couple of hours I was left with evidence that shopping and cooking had occurred but little idea how it had happened.

I remember my friend had a Food Ideas magazine, she was using a fluorescent pink pencil to cross things off a list and that I really wanted a box of Cheerios.  We ran rather than walked through the supermarket aisles.  I probably only have that perception because alone in a supermarket I would normally wade slowly through the rows and rows of brightly coloured products, my eyes and brain being assaulted by the intense visual stimulation.  With my friend and her friend there were no prolonged anxiety filled decisions of what to buy as they grabbed things off the shelves and moved on.

My friend's friend disapproved of my purchase of a block of chocolate, labelling it as "naughty".  Apparently if you eat "naughty" foods you have to repent of your sins and seek forgiveness from your body by going to the gym.  I had never thought of it that way.  If I was to label chocolate, I would call it "yummy", then I would eat it.

I chose some apples.  It was hard because there were three different types to chose from and I chose the unlabelled ones.  When they got scanned at the checkout the sales assistant had to guess what type they were.

Fruit!  In my Fruit Bowl!

I definitely recall saying something about how my friend's friend should get a horse to hold his boot open because it was broken.  I meant one of the toy horse heads on a pole (my old housemate had one for her boot) but my friend thought I meant a real horse.  I doubt a real horse would want to stand behind a car holding the boot open.

When we got home, I cut up chicken.  I dislike cutting meat because I find it tough to get through and I also become more and more vegetarian the closer I get to seeing meat as part of an animal.  I also felt like I was taking a really long time to wrestle my way through the slippery chicken globs and it was as though I was tearing it apart with my fingers as well as cutting it with a knife. 

Then suddenly we were eating delicious Butter Chicken which along with the chicken had green beans, onion and rice.  There's an opened jar of butter chicken paste and an opened tub of cream and I believe some oil went in too.

Before I'd finished eating, my friend was onto making a pie.  I was exhausted and could hardly lift my arms and all I wanted to do was lie down.  I was of absolutely no use but I forced myself to stand up instead of collapsing in the hallway.  Meanwhile, my friend's friend was washing dishes at the same rate that my friend was using them, then he was drying them and washing more.

Then there was a pie and my friend asked me what pattern I wanted on it.  I tried to think back to when I was little and I saw my Grandma make a pie but I couldn't figure out what was meant by 'pattern'.  When my parents heated up pies I guess the patterns were hidden by the words written on the plastic like 'Balfours', 'Vilis' or 'Foodland'.  My friend started cutting triangles out of the puff pastry sheet and then she made a letter 'A' because my name starts with 'A'.  I was so close to tears. 

Then they were gone.

I fell asleep for a few hours before looking after my nephews then felt a bit hungry so I went to the fridge.

Far out, there was food in there!

I managed to heat up the pie without burning it despite having no idea for how long or at what temperature to cook it.  I ate half of it for dinner then noticed there was also a green salad.  I had already eaten green beans in the curry for lunch and green peas in the pie, and a crunchy greeen pear as a snack.  I might have overdosed on green if I'd eaten the salad too.  Luckily I combatted it by eating a whole block of chocolate.

I was dismayed because I didn't have any salad dressing then I found a mug containing a mystery salad dressing that smelled like lemon.  Then I found half a lemon.  By my powers of deduction I believe that a major ingredient in the salad dressing is lemon.

I didn't have the salad until the night after but whatever was in the salad dressing tasted incredible.  The cucumber in the salad had little slits around the edges which made it pretty exciting but I can't figure out how you would cut them.

Visualising my Visions

Around the same time as the Tree of Life I also looked at my Visions for the year.  We cut out words and pictures from magazines and created collages.  Visualising my visions was pretty useful but I haven't been doing a great job of actually attending to any of my ideas.

Visions for 2012

It's a bit small to read so here's what it says:

Rise and Shine 
happy, alert, smiling face and clocks to represent regularity of sleep cycle

A Working Eating Plan
3 meals a day, 7 days a week and "me" enjoying cooking

• Planning food
• Buying food
• Preparing food
• Cooking food
• Eating food

Clean Up: Organized Home
clearing old junk out of the house to make it my home, renovating, having shiny tiles?

Friends
finding, keeping

Sweet Dreams: A Peaceful Slumber
having sleep that leaves me refreshed

It was all getting a bit serious so I added the picture and caption in the top right corner.

Meet your perfect match!
"Hello Amanda, my amazing girlfriend.  I'm so glad I met you this year." -Hamish Blake.

Fridge Contents #1 - Empty Bottles

Make sure you keep your empty plastic bottles adequately chilled.

That's right.  I am currently cooling five 2L bottles and six 1L bottles.  Four of the larger bottles and two of the smaller bottles are completely devoid of liquid.  The straight cordial (I couldn't afford the gay stuff) in three of the 1L bottles would not even fill one 1L bottle.  The cordial which has already been mixed with water could probably fit in a 1L bottle but it's in a 2L bottle.  As for the last bottle, it is actually FULL, but it's full of water and I don't really know why.  Then I have my blue water bottle.  The straw appears to be broken but I leave it there in the hope that one day the little man who turns the light on and off will set to work on my water bottle and it will miraculously function.

Contents of my Fridge

• Water
• Cordial
• Cordial (mixed with Water)
• Tomato Sauce
• Tomato Sauce (Gluten Free)
• Hoisin Sauce
• Dijon Mustard
• Mayonnaise
• Grated Cheese
• Pumpkin Soup

Actual Food in my Fridge

• Grated Cheese
• Pumpkin Soup

Actual Food in my Fridge not supplied by my Dad

•  Grated Cheese

 What my Fridge says about me today:
Nothing.  My fridge can't talk.  However, I do know that I keep looking at the cordial thinking I should make some up in the 2L bottles because I'm going to run out of ready to drink cordial very soon.  Tragedy!  Mixing cordial with water is the closest I can get to successfully making something in the kitchen.  I can proudly say that I have never burned cordial.

As for food...  Moving on.  Nothing more to see here.  No, I just haven't mastered ANY of the steps necessary for feeding myself except for the bit where I actually consume and digest the food.  Everything before that is still in the very early stages. By "very early" I don't mean "infancy", I mean "embryonic development" or "not even conceived".

Current hurdles in the way of me cooking food

• Having the energy to get to the supermarket
• Having the control to not be overwhelmed by the supermarket
• Knowing what food to buy
• Knowing what to make with the food I have bought
• Getting home from the supermarket with the food I've bought that I don't know what to make
• Having the energy to prepare the food
• Knowing how to prepare the food
• Knowing how to cook the food

The way I see it, if that was actually a hurdles race and I managed to jump the first hurdle, I would probably get to the second hurdle, stop, look at it looming down at me, turn around and crawl back to the start line.

I'd love to end on a happier note but I'm exhausted just by writing about how I see the whole 'feeding myself' scenario so I have to go and inhale a couple of litres of refrigerated bottled air.