Simple "meals" that are better than starving.

"Baked Beans are not a meal.  
Toast is not a meal.  
Baked beans AND toast?  
That's a meal."

This advice from a friend has really helped lessen the guilt I feel about not having cooking skills.  I just imagine I'm like a twenty-something bachelor living alone instead of a hm..hang on, I kind of fit in that category but I'm female instead of male. 

Some "meals" I can make without falling asleep or losing strength in my limbs and/or neck...

 Baked Beans and Toast
The good thing is that it doesn't really matter in which order I do things.

• Put beans in bowl
• Put bread in toaster
• Microwave beans for 1-2 minutes
• Toast bread until it pops up
• Combine beans and toast (and cheese if available)

Baked beans and toast?  

That's a meal.

EasyMac Macaroni Cheese
Reading the directions overwhelms me but luckily I can count to 4.  I just have to remember what the numbers relate to.  The whole time I'm making it I keep counting through from 1 to 4 and I normally check the packet to make sure I have the numbers assigned to the right steps.  I'm writing this not to highlight how demented I am at cooking but because maybe it will help me figure out why I find it so difficult.

• 1 put macaroni in bowl
• 2/3 of a cup of cold water in bowl
• 4 minutes in the microwave
• put cheese in bowl (I can do that bit without a number because without it I would have Macaroni Water instead of Macaroni Cheese)

Macaroni and Cheese?  
That's a meal.

2 Minute Noodles
Again, the directions seem backwards and they confuse me so I find it easier to think about what I need to do - cover noodles in water and heat.

• Unlike the EasyMac, this one requires boiling water so I put the kettle on first. Most of the time. Sometimes I forget and have to do it after I've opened the noodle packet.
• Put noodles in bowl.
• Cover noodles in water (this avoids the hassle of having to measure a particular amount)
• Put noodles in microwave (sometimes I forget how long to put them in for until I remember they're called 2 minute noodles and I praise myself for being such a genius)
• Tip noodles into a strainer then back into the bowl.
• Add Hoisin Sauce.

Noodles and Hoisin Sauce?  
That's a meal.

Toastie
I found out recently that spreading butter on frozen bread works better than spreading butter on fresh bread so I don't even need to have fresh bread or defrost frozen bread.  UPDATE: My friend read this and excitedly said "Yeah, I discovered that too." I had to tell her that she was the one who told me.

• Switch sandwich press on to heat up
• Butter pieces of bread
• Slice pieces of tomato
• Put bread in sandwich press - butter side down
• Add tomato and cheese
• Top with bread - butter side up
• Toast in sandwich press

Toastie with Cheese and Tomato?

That's a meal.

The next one is a bit of a stretch but at least it's green.

Mixed Lettuce
I had used the last of a tomato to make a toastie and at some point I chomped through the remainder of a cucumber so the only fresh food I had was a bag of lettuce.  Fancy lettuce though.  I also had half a lemon.  I'm still convinced that the other half was used to make a salad dressing.  I should really ask my friend how she did that but I had a go because I was feeling adventurous.

• Cut the crusty edge off the lemon.
• Squeeze the lemon juice into the bag of lettuce leaves.
• Add some pepper.  For the record, I added too much pepper.

Mixed Lettuce and Salad Dressing?

That's a meal.

 

I may have taken the "a AND b equals a meal" theory a little too far with the lettuce but it's certainly a better choice than not eating.

That's a summary of where I'm at.  When I say "I can't cook" or "I don't know how to cook" or "I'm too tired to cook" I actually mean "If I'm not too fatigued I can combine a couple of simple things and follow a couple of simple steps".

Sequin, Sing! (is way better than sequencing)

I managed to translate a recipe tonight.

It wasn't in another language and it wasn't really a recipe but I managed to follow the directions on a packet of pasta.  I added the stuff and mixed the stuff and heated the stuff and it was edible!  Tonight I accomplished what other people do easily some time before they start going to school.  I think I'm pretty awesome for nailing it before I turn 30.  I've only got 10 days to go so it was a close one.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I've mastered it previously but it's still an achievement because I bought the packet months ago and I've finally used it.

Surely I've made a single snack pasta pack thingo before.  Then again, I remember going on a hike with scouts when I was about 12 and I was trying to read the instructions I'd written onto a cup-a-soup sachet in the dark.  I mean, I wrote the instructions with the light on.  I wasn't challenging myself to read something I scrawled onto the sachet in a blackout.  I couldn't see the writing and one of the scouts taunted me a bit saying "It's gonna be the same making it on a hike as it is making it at home."  That would have been useful advice if I'd ever made anything at home but I took it as an insult because I didn't know how to make it at home OR on a hike.

I think my problem is the order of doing things.

If you heated up a saucepan and tipped powdered soup into it, I think it would burn.
If you poured cold water onto powdered soup or powdered soup into cold water, it would go lumpy.

There is a set way that it has to be done and I assume that is to heat up the water while putting powdered soup in a cup then pour the heated water into the cup and mix the powdered soup through the water.

I'm pretty sure the bit I have trouble with is doing one thing WHILE doing another thing.  However, just reading all those steps makes me feel overwhelmed so perhaps the problem lies with having to do more than one thing.

I've been trying to figure out how I deciphered the directions tonight when normally I would get freaked out by all the numbers.  I think it comes from being able to block out the irrelevant information and from managing to re-order the sequence of steps in my head without confusing myself.

I always find that recipes tell you to do stuff backwards.

Let's say step 1 is to add the diced potatoes to the boiling water.
Where did the boiling water come from?

Surely you should have told me to FIRST boil water, THEN cut potatoes, THEN add potatoes to water or FIRST cut potatoes, THEN boil water, THEN add potatoes to water.

You have to tell me these things!  
I don't know which way is right!
Am I the only person in the world who has trouble with this?

I had a similar issue in maths when the textbooks stopped listing all the steps and I had to guess how they got from one step to the next.  At least with equations I wouldn't have turned a fried egg into a charcoal pancake because suddenly I had to add a mix of marinated mushrooms and artichokes.

Here is what I was working with tonight:

I have made a flow chart of the steps I go through before I can follow the directions.  I have only been in a situation where I could progress past the very first step in the last few days because my friend went to the supermarket for me.  Also, before I can even qualify to think about the first step I have to be awake and have energy.

Prerequisites: BE AWAKE & HAVE ENERGY
Materials Needed:

The Directions on the Packet

This is my revised order of directions according to how I think I re-wrote it in my head:

It makes me feel quite retarded that I have to put in so much effort to re-write simple directions on a packet of pasta but it's good to know what's confusing me.