Feelings?

Today I felt like singing and last Friday I felt like dancing but I've been holding back because I wouldn't want to be seen as "manic". 

I stopped myself from dancing at the Peace Markets on Saturday because it seemed too fun and carefree and I wouldn't want to lose control and enjoy myself.

One day during the week I was on an O-bahn bus marvelling at how beautiful it is that I get to zoom through beautiful green parklands with trees and grass and ducks and a river.  I tried to stop appreciating it because I felt like I shouldn't feel so happy and alive and aware of my surroundings. 

Last night my friend and I were hysterical with laughter to the point that our stomachs hurt.  I thought I should try to control it because I'm not meant to be that happy.  I wouldn't want to be "unwell".

My medication is meant to stop that sort of bad behaviour.

This week I learned that anti-depressants work by clouding up ANY feeling.  I always assumed they did the opposite of depressing but really they just mask the sad thoughts and at the same time decrease your emotional involvement with the world.  Anti-depressants dull the senses; they don't increase the good feelings.  This is all very good to know after taking the stuff daily for several years.

Mmm... anti-depressants and mood stabilisers.

Having halved my dosage down to the usual high amount of anti-depressant (not overnight, throughout a month) I can actually feel feelings.

I'm only taking the mood stabilising medication once a day now too.  Maybe I'm a bit more irritable but I also have the capacity to feel happy.

I don't know if I'm much less sleepy because I've still been sleeping whole days and falling asleep on buses but I think I'm more alert during the day and I can actually entertain the idea of singing and dancing and thinking.

Blarpio is not responsible

Grief

Wellness in the Workplace
June 14
Grief

left hand side - Grief as it is now.
right hand side - Grief as I want it to be.

The picture on the left is me holding onto the strings of some big messy intermingled balloon clouds.  Each cloud is grief but I don't know what it is.  The grey patch below the clouds is covering up some of the things I figured out I might be grieving over.  I came up with the list during the workshop as people mentioned things that might cause grief such as not having a job.  I had only considered death to be a cause of grief so I was able to figure out other things that might have affected me.

I think a lot of events, thoughts and beliefs have been attributed to having a mental illness.  I have only recently realised that calling everything "Plorabi" or "Liporba" or "Roibalp" or "Blarpio" or "Bipolar" doesn't help me process it any better.  In the picture where I'm holding onto the strings, I used to think it was like I had a deformed hand that grips tightly to strings whereas now I think it's like there's nothing wrong with my hand and I'd like to look at what's going on in the clouds so I can stop carrying them round with me.

The picture on the right is me having let go of the grief but knowing it is still there.  I am grounded and the grief is well defined and separated and the tangled mess of each one is concentrated into a smaller space.  When we discussed my picture as a group we realised that I want my grief arranged in the same configuration as the southern cross.  I don't ask for much.

Welcome, by all means, welcome!

Continuing in my efforts to post everything I ever would have posted on a blog if I had one at the time, here are some photos of a book that I made in 2008.  I don't agree with the labels of Depression and Bipolar but I haven't entirely figured out my stance on the issue.  One day I'll get my head around it enough to start blogging about it.  I still agree with the bit about Hamish and Andy helping me to feel less lonely.  They really did help me feel a sense of belonging.

Front Cover

Page 1

Page 2

Page 3 - Door Closed

Page 3 - Door Open

Page 4 - Blanket Down

Page 4 - Blanket Lifted

Page 5

Page 6

My friend and I went to see Hamish and Andy at their CD signing for Unessential Listening.  There were so many people that we would have spent the whole day waiting in a line.  Hundreds of people did just that and before they got to the front of the line, Hamish and Andy had to leave.  My friend and I opted to sit at an outside table of the nearby restaurant pretending to have lunch all day.  It's not stalking if you buy pizza.

Best seats in the house