Couldn't sleep. Drew a picture.

I had this image in my head so I tried drawing it with shapes.

Evolution

• I am me. I am blissfully unaware of any problems. 
• I am me and I don't like myself. YAY! I am given labels to explain why I don't like myself.
• I AM depression and anxiety. I hate myself.
• I have depression and anxiety in me.  I hate them and I am fighting within myself.
• I have depression and anxiety attached to me.  I hate them and I am fighting them and accidentally punching myself in the face, as shown in the picture on the left.
• I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I am a victim and I am fighting the depression and anxiety.
• I have depression and anxiety.  I am fighting the depression and anxiety.
• I accept that I have depression and anxiety.  I am acknowledging the depression and anxiety.
• I am me.  I am reducing the influence of problems in my life and discovering preferred stories of identity. They are shown as boxes waiting to be described and unpacked in the picture on the right.

Blarpio is not responsible

Grief

Wellness in the Workplace
June 14
Grief

left hand side - Grief as it is now.
right hand side - Grief as I want it to be.

The picture on the left is me holding onto the strings of some big messy intermingled balloon clouds.  Each cloud is grief but I don't know what it is.  The grey patch below the clouds is covering up some of the things I figured out I might be grieving over.  I came up with the list during the workshop as people mentioned things that might cause grief such as not having a job.  I had only considered death to be a cause of grief so I was able to figure out other things that might have affected me.

I think a lot of events, thoughts and beliefs have been attributed to having a mental illness.  I have only recently realised that calling everything "Plorabi" or "Liporba" or "Roibalp" or "Blarpio" or "Bipolar" doesn't help me process it any better.  In the picture where I'm holding onto the strings, I used to think it was like I had a deformed hand that grips tightly to strings whereas now I think it's like there's nothing wrong with my hand and I'd like to look at what's going on in the clouds so I can stop carrying them round with me.

The picture on the right is me having let go of the grief but knowing it is still there.  I am grounded and the grief is well defined and separated and the tangled mess of each one is concentrated into a smaller space.  When we discussed my picture as a group we realised that I want my grief arranged in the same configuration as the southern cross.  I don't ask for much.

Recovery Rant

When I first saw this poster, I thought I had found the answer.  I wasn't entirely sure what the question was but I figured this had to be the answer.

Of course!  Recovery isn't about creating something out of the scraps that remain.  Recovery is about developing meaning and purpose despite being scrappy.  If I just build on those lists of factors, I will become a new and improved person.

I thought it was great at the time (October 2011) but I think it's absolute rubbish now.

It's much more complicated to give a concise account of what I think now.

I guess it's somewhat defined by what I don't think:

• I don't think I have been destroyed by an illness or that an illness has had catasrophic effects on me.  

• I don't think that focussing on limits is a good way to progress.  

• I don't think professional assistance is any better than the help of friends and family.  

• I don't think medication is really that important considering I'm not actually a broken, defective person suffering from an illness.

• I don't think I need to recover from or to anything.  

I need to interpret events differently and they'll have a different effect on my life.  The way I see myself is not conducive to me living the life I want and deserve. That doesn't mean I am ill.  It means I need to work on how I see myself and how I can live to fulfil what I believe is important.  I know that the methods used in Narrative Therapy can help me to do that.  I've already seen them in action.

How would I build an internal factor of hope in order to be a better person because the person I am now is merely a shell after the insides were hollowed out by the catastrophic effects of a mental illness?  "Right, today I shall work on my hope." *crosses fingers, squints eyes and thinks really hard about hope*

I might leave it at that for the first time I've actually put my thoughts into words on this topic.

Email - April 5, 2012

I wrote this to the facilitator of the Tree of Life on April 5, 2012:

I think it was as a result of the Tree of Life and subsequent discussions as well as watching some amazing talks by Michael White.

Trauma and Narrative Therapy - Michael White Part 1
Trauma and Narrative Therapy - Michael White Part 2
Trauma and Narrative Therapy - Michael White Part 3

It claims to be a five part series but I'm yet to find 4 or 5.

I have since had more discussions about Narrative Therapy and I am considering doing an Introduction to Narrative Practices course in August at Narrative Practices Adelaide.

The Tree of Life - Session 3

Cairns, QLD

The Tree of Life - Session 3

We had seen how our Trees of Life live side by side in a Forest of Life so in our final session we discussed the Storms of Life and our Responses to the Storms of Life.

click image to enlarge

I have a couple of comments written next to my tree which I think I added after the third session:

"My tree is not alone.  It lives in the Forest of Life."

"If your roots are strong you can weather any storm."

The roots represent where you belong - your home, workplace, youth groups etc.  I feel I need to strengthen these because living alone and not having a job means I lack the strength that others have.  I am really grateful that I have Diamond House.  The motto for Diamond House is "A safe place to belong, work and return."  That sense of belonging helps a huge hurricane feel like a gentle breeze.