Thursday, 2 August 2012


Today I felt like singing and last Friday I felt like dancing but I've been holding back because I wouldn't want to be seen as "manic". 

I stopped myself from dancing at the Peace Markets on Saturday because it seemed too fun and carefree and I wouldn't want to lose control and enjoy myself.

One day during the week I was on an O-bahn bus marvelling at how beautiful it is that I get to zoom through beautiful green parklands with trees and grass and ducks and a river.  I tried to stop appreciating it because I felt like I shouldn't feel so happy and alive and aware of my surroundings. 

Last night my friend and I were hysterical with laughter to the point that our stomachs hurt.  I thought I should try to control it because I'm not meant to be that happy.  I wouldn't want to be "unwell".

My medication is meant to stop that sort of bad behaviour.

This week I learned that anti-depressants work by clouding up ANY feeling.  I always assumed they did the opposite of depressing but really they just mask the sad thoughts and at the same time decrease your emotional involvement with the world.  Anti-depressants dull the senses; they don't increase the good feelings.  This is all very good to know after taking the stuff daily for several years.

Mmm... anti-depressants and mood stabilisers.
Having halved my dosage down to the usual high amount of anti-depressant (not overnight, throughout a month) I can actually feel feelings.

I'm only taking the mood stabilising medication once a day now too.  Maybe I'm a bit more irritable but I also have the capacity to feel happy.

I don't know if I'm much less sleepy because I've still been sleeping whole days and falling asleep on buses but I think I'm more alert during the day and I can actually entertain the idea of singing and dancing and thinking.

No comments:

Post a Comment