I stopped myself from dancing at the Peace Markets on Saturday because it seemed too fun and carefree and I wouldn't want to lose control and enjoy myself.
One day during the week I was on an O-bahn bus marvelling at how beautiful it is that I get to zoom through beautiful green parklands with trees and grass and ducks and a river. I tried to stop appreciating it because I felt like I shouldn't feel so happy and alive and aware of my surroundings.
Last night my friend and I were hysterical with laughter to the point that our stomachs hurt. I thought I should try to control it because I'm not meant to be that happy. I wouldn't want to be "unwell".
My medication is meant to stop that sort of bad behaviour.
This week I learned that anti-depressants work by clouding up ANY feeling. I always assumed they did the opposite of depressing but really they just mask the sad thoughts and at the same time decrease your emotional involvement with the world. Anti-depressants dull the senses; they don't increase the good feelings. This is all very good to know after taking the stuff daily for several years.
Mmm... anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. |
I'm only taking the mood stabilising medication once a day now too. Maybe I'm a bit more irritable but I also have the capacity to feel happy.
I don't know if I'm much less sleepy because I've still been sleeping whole days and falling asleep on buses but I think I'm more alert during the day and I can actually entertain the idea of singing and dancing and thinking.
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